Rediscovery

I was surprised that I had a small cry when I took one last look at my dorm building. It was just two weeks after all.

I sat down for a bit in the courtyard, took a deep breath, sent a few good bye messages, and gave my feelings some thought.

Two weeks that I had all to myself. It has been at least five years in which my mind and my heart was just wired to parenting and to work. It has been at least five years that I am always responsible for someone or something. The last two weeks was mine and mine alone. How does one handle that?

At first, I was feeling quite guilty and selfish. I almost did not want to go. But of course, everything was ready. I was the only one who wasn't. 

The first couple of days were disconcerting. The room was quiet. The bed felt too big. The food too healthy. I missed the boys. I missed the noise. I had no friends. 

The days passed. Things became familiar. I took random walks around the city. 

I had time. I can actually stop and just look at a window, or observe people, or look up at the sky. I saw a bee pollinating a flower. I saw people smiling to themselves. I saw people in a rush. I saw swans double dating. I saw children having fun. I heard the birds sing. I had time to just look and relish moments.

I met old friends. I walked the familiar roads of Den Haag. I had a drink at the former Prins. I saw my picture on big TV screens! Naks. 

I made new friends, too. I met great people with interesting backgrounds, brilliant minds, hopeful hearts. It is always a treatI meet people who make me discover new things or think new thoughts. 

It took a while, but we had great fun, too. At least, I'm sure I did. I knew I was in a safe space, and I will be cared for, and I will be allowed to care for them if need be.

My heart was full from the experience of the last two weeks. I finally realized why those quick tears. For the first time in a long time, I felt I was interesting beyond the boring momma. I am more than what I thought I just was. I felt I was doing something for myself and myself alone. 

I felt like Angie again. I actually learned to like myself again.

The last few years, I have been always something else. Mother. Wife. Humanitarian worker. If I did something beyond that, I felt guilty. As if I was reneging on my responsibility. 

These last two weeks made me realize how important "me time" is. I have been running on empty for quite some time now that I have often been quick to anger or resentment. I will leave Netherlands with a full heart (and maybe that is why it is heavy, too.). And I think, with that heart, I will be a better mother, wife, humanitarian worker. And I will know, somewhere beneath those three big things is a woman who still belongs to herself that no one can own. And that she is as important as mother, wife, and humanitarian worker. 

I am glad to have rediscovered her again.

Life is beautiful. Maganda ang buhay.